grapefruit

shoulder pads may come and go, but a bff is forever.
because even when you're not sure where you're headed,
it helps to know you're not going there alone.

no one has all the answers,
and sometimes the best we can do is just apologize
and let the past, be the past.
other times, we need to look to the future
and know that even when we think we've seen it all
life can still surprise us, and we can still surprise ourselves.

pretty on the outside but bitter on the inside.

significance.

how much are you worth?
are you any important to people?
would they have a thought about my feelings?
am i likable?

often one of the very few questions I tend to ask myself over and over again.
a friend once told me that if I had to things to make people like me, then that person's not worth being my friend.
but then I wonder, what if he's a guy I really like?
do I still do the things that he wants me to do in order to get him to notice me and like me back to?
would the feelings be mutual and real after that?
so my friend goes on explaining that its a whole different story if love (or okay crush would be a better term :P) is involve.
sometimes them guys do things out of their league just to get the girl they like to notice them.
so its the same as us girls rite? we do things that we may not necessary like just to impress the guy we like.

we had whole talk/discussion on it.
haha. its was funny along the way and some truce to it.
psychology majors can just somewhat convince you. well that's just because they study human behavior and personality more in depth than any other majors.

I definitely learned a lot from that with a rough month back then and a guy.
Its really hard to tell what's on his mind and what he wants and expect out from me.
I always knew I wasn't good, hence I'm always trying to do things that pleases thinking that as long as we're talking like before means we can go back to where we were.
sometimes he does things that unintentionally hurts me and sometimes it hurts deep. but I never really told him because of my sensitiveness that got us apart. therefore, I just refuse to say much and suffer the hurt myself.
but I know I cant go on like that. It hurts in someways so I just have to think of other things to distract my thoughts but at the end of the day, I still think of it.
and now, lately, I dont know if the thoughts I initially had about us will turn out to be what it is.
perhaps, me letting go would be the best for both of us?
I dont know. I haven't heard from him since. and I dont want to make a decision that would hurt both of us.
I guess time will tell everything.

Here I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired, lonely place
Walls of insincerity
-Taylor Swift, enchanted-

ps: im sorry if anyone had to read that. just my random scribbles of thoughts.

slacker

my two-week finals schedule.
finals and quiz-es back to back.

will update later about random things,random places, random gatherings, but not random friends. ;)

i wonder if anyone still reads this? hmm. tell me.

one chance.

second chances don't actually come to me.
i messed up once. and that's all i got.
one shot at everything.
and if i fall at that one shot. i fall alone.
and if i die with one shot. i die alone too.
one chance at life.

i guess people think i don't deserve a second chance.
i don't deserve a chance to make things right.
makes the stakes much higher.

if only i was suicidal, I'd write my last note for everyone. mailed it, say my goodbyes and be thankful.
if only i was suicidal.

the words in between

I miss my tigger and his new owner. only he doesn't know it.
I miss the times when we could share everything.
but now, i have to decide between which i can tell you and which i should not because i don't wanna hurt your feelings.
I miss the times where we would just sit quietly next to each other and not say a word simply because i was too shy to say anything and i didn't wanna make a fool of myself.

if only time could go back. I'd definitely make a change.

I realized every time i talk to you, i end up arguing with you or I'll get upset over little things.
I realized that i wanted a lot of things from you that because i didn't feel like i was getting it, i end up being upset and arguing with you.
I wished that you be soo much for me that i never actually realized what i could be for you.
and like you said, yes i was being selfish.
I live in my perfect little world where you are what i want you to be.

being the girl in the family is really hard.
and at a very young age, i was always told that men are all the same.
I was brought up with a mind set of never to get married because you'll have a man like your father after 40 years of marriage.
and when i actually did fell in love, i wanted to prove that whatever i was told and taught was wrong.
but until i live through out 40 years of marriage, i wont know.
i don't know if it was the right decision or not but i definitely know that i didn't regret it.
40 years is too long to think about. I'm not even sure about 40 months for that matter.

I'm not saying sorry this time because you've heard enough.
I don't know if a change will happen or not. but until it does, i live in my four wall's world.
I am alone and i don't know if you'll be comfortable with it.
and maybe, i just don't know how to open up to you anymore.

When the silence gets too loud, and I really start to miss everyone, I tell myself the same thing.
I can't see you, but I know you're there.
-Haley James Scott-

week three.

life in a whole new environment.

cultural shock? checked!
homesick-ness? checked!
free stuff? double checked!

clearly slacked on the updates again.
reason? simple : i malas! :P
okay no. first week of classes and we have quizzes already and i have homework due everyday so yeah, less time for everything.

frappuccino in a bottle.
(minus the crushed ice.)

another update over the weekend probably.

transition.

at changi airport,singapore now.
6hours of i-dont-know-what-to-do-time.
shops are close. its getting cold.
passengers are snoozing everywhere.
the smell of coffee is tempting me. baad coffee. must resist. *runs away*

and the best part about all those.
seeing planes take off the runway. the sounds. the speed.
never fails to excite me the least bit.

and lastly. i have the most awesomest friends ever.
i will miss each and every one of you guys. :)
from farewells to last minute airport calls.
you guys are like officially the best! *thumbs up*


and you. i wont say how much i am going to miss you.
because there's no limit to it. and you already know that.
do take care and i'll see you as soon as possible. :))
tigger will watch you over for me. be nice to him. :P